Freaky Friday
by Houddy
Summary: What would happen if two of our favorite characters changed places?
1. An Ominous Start

ACT ONE: An Ominous Start

SCENE ONE

CAMERA: Overhead shot of the hospital.

VOICE OVER: Today isn't just another day at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. It's Friday the 13th, and tonight is a full moon. All signs are pointing to this being one Freaky Friday.

CAMERA: Zooms through the doors and into the bustling hospital.

VOICE OVER: But let us look in on the fine staff at PPTH. Everything seems normal enough. Ah, here comes Dr. House now.

HOUSE: (Walks in from corridor stage left) CUDDY!

(CUDDY bends down behind nurses station, pretending to pick something up.)

HOUSE: (peers over the desk) I know you're back there.

CUDDY: (straightens up) What is it Dr. House? (reluctance in her voice)

HOUSE: I want to go home.

CUDDY: I want $100,000,000. I think we will both have to live with our disappointment. (She heads off down a hallway. House follows)

HOUSE: I'm not feeling too hot.

CUDDY: (gives him once over) You look fine to me.

HOUSE: Back off. (He fakes like he's pushing her off him) Keep your dirty mind away from me.

CUDDY: (not amused) Funny. Now get back to work.

HOUSE: There really is something wrong with me.

CUDDY: You're a diagnostician. Go figure it out, in the clinic, while working on your patient.

HOUSE walks off as CUDDY continues in her original direction.

VOICE OVER: Little does House know that he is not the only one feeling a little out of it.

CAMERA: Fade out.

SCENE TWO

CAMERA: Fade in to Cameron and Foreman standing in the lab, taking turns looking into a microscope.

FOREMAN: I think we should run the test one more time.

CAMERON: Do you really think that's necessary.

FOREMAN: House could have made the wrong diagnosis. (Backs away, afraid Cameron will hit him)

CAMERON: When are you going to just back off? House knows what he's doing. (she holds her head as if in pain.)

FOREMAN: (Concern in his voice.) Is everything alright?

CAMERON: Yeah, I just, haven't been feeling myself today.

FOREMAN: You should get checked out. I heard House say he wasn't feeling too well either. Something might be going around.

CAMERON: It's probably nothing. Let's just run the tests one more time.

FOREMAN looks at her questioningly as she sets up the test again.

VOICEOVER: Something funny is going on with the staff of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Can they figure out what it is before it's too late?

MUSIC: Ominous Dun Dun Dun as Camera fades to black.


	2. A funny thing happened on the way to the

ACT 2: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom

SCENE ONE:

Hallway, we see the back of House as he limps down the hall. Camera comes up behind him and passes him around the side, to see Cameron coming around the corner just as he does. They crash into each other. Cameron's papers go flying.

CAMERON: Sorry, Dr. House. I didn't see you.

HOUSE: I'll wear reflective clothing next time.

CAMERON: (picks up her papers.) No need, just wear a bell around your neck. (She looks confused)

HOUSE: I hope I didn't hurt you. (He looks confused.)

(They walk their separate ways. As the camera fades to black)

VOICEOVER: House and Cameron nearly took a header. They always say two heads are better than one. But who's head is who's? Could there be more to this collision than meets the eye?

SCENE TWO:

Ladies room. Cameron is at the sink, rubbing her head. Cuddy is washing her hands.

CUDDY: Are you alright?

CAMERON: Why, you wanna kiss it and make it better?

CUDDY: (doing a double take) What?

CAMERON: I think I'd better go home. I can't do clinic duty today.

CUDDY: (Confused) You don't have clinic duty today.

CAMERON: Right. (Hesitates, obviously thinking hard). Um, gotta go. (Runs into one of the stalls.)

SCENE THREE:

Men's room. House walks in and looks at the urinals for a moment. Then he goes over to one and starts going to the bathroom. Wilson comes out of a stall and heads to the sink to wash his hands.

WILSON: Hey House.

HOUSE: (Jumps, then quickly pulls up his fly) Hey. What are you doing in here?

WILSON: Um, I like to come in here and contemplate life. How about you? (He's toweling off his hands now)

HOUSE: Nothing.

WILSON: (confused) OK. Well, good talking to you.

HOUSE: Yeah, you too.

(Wilson leaves the bathroom. Close up of House's face. He looks puzzled. He knows something is wrong, but can't quite figure it out yet.)


	3. Getting to know the new you

ACT 3: Getting to Know the New You

SCENE ONE

House's office. House is standing by the white board. The team, Chase, Cameron and Foreman are sitting around a table rattling off possible diagnosis. Occasionally House writes one on the board.

VOICEOVER: Ah, the good doctors are hard at work. Looking in on them one would think everything is status quo, but if we look more closely, something strange is going on. Let's listen in and you will see what I mean.

HOUSE: That's a good one, Dr. Chase. Do you have any ideas Dr. Foreman?

(Foreman and Chase look at each other, while Cameron slides down in her chair in embarrassment.)

FOREMAN: I think we should start with the methemoglobinemia. It fits the symptoms. Let's put him on oxygen and see if that helps.

CHASE: And if it's histoplasmosis and we don't administer the antifungal medication in time he could die.

CAMERON: Well, lets put him on antifungal medication and give him oxygen. Poof, he's cured.

HOUSE: Or it could kill him.

CAMERON: He could walk out of this hospital and get hit by a car. That could kill him too. Maybe we should do him a favor and do nothing, and let him die here. It's so much more convenient.

(Chase and Foreman look on in amazement)

HOUSE: Don't you have any concern for human life?

FOREMAN: (can't take it anymore. He has to break it up) OK, let's put him on the oxygen for a day. That should be enough time to see if it will have an effect. If he shows no improvement, we will put him on the medication for histoplasmosis. The oxygen is less damaging, and should be tried first.

CAMERON: Excellent idea Foreman. Let's do it.

(They all look at her)

CAMERON: I mean, don't you think that's a great idea Dr. House?

HOUSE: Yes, good idea. Thank you Dr. Foreman. Let's go with that plan.

(A lot of shuffling as they all get up and leave.)

SCENE TWO:

Cuddy's office. She looks up as House walks in.

HOUSE: You wanted to see me?

CUDDY: Yes. There is a diagnostic conference coming up, and they asked to have you as a guest speaker. I tried to tell them you weren't interested.

HOUSE: (cutting her off) I'd love to. Do they have any specific topic in mind, or should I do a case study?

CUDDY: (looking reticent) Are you alright House?

HOUSE: (Oblivious) Sure. This will be great. I just finished a case that I think will be perfect. Tell them I'll be there.

CUDDY: Uh, OK. (She picks up the phone while House turns and leaves, a spring in his limping step.)

SCENE THREE:

Cameron, Foreman and Chase are walking to the lab.

FOREMAN: What was that all about?

CAMERON: That was all about finding a cure for a sick patient. Or aren't you into that sort of thing anymore?

CHASE: What's with you Cam? You've been acting kinda funny all day.

CAMERON: You'd start acting funny if you had to spend this much time around the two of you. Trust me.

(The two men shake their heads.)

FOREMAN: It this is your latest attempt to impress House, I don't think it's working.

CAMERON: Oh, I am so over that. I heard he's a little limp (she nudges Foreman with her elbow) if you know what I mean. (she winks at Chase)

(Chase starts laughing, but Foreman looks perplexed)

FOREMAN: Did something happen between you two?

CAMERON: (thinks for a minute) You know what, I really think it did.

(She runs off ahead of them. Enjoying stretching her legs)


	4. Role Reversal

ACT FOUR: Role Reversal

House's office. House is uncharacteristically straightening out his desk. Cameron walks in her head buried in some papers.

CAMERON: Oh, wrong room. (She turns to head out)

HOUSE: Wait. Stay. (looks nervous) How is Mr. Zapado?

CAMERON: He'll live.

HOUSE: (Sort of reaching out to stop Cameron from leaving) Is the oxygen working then?

CAMERON: Sure seems that way. I thought it was implied by my saying he'll live.

HOUSE: It wasn't. Why can't you just give me a straight answer?

CAMERON: Don't wanna.

HOUSE: But. (he looks into Cameron's eyes dreamily.)

CAMERON: But?

HOUSE: You know, things would work much more smoothly in this department if you wouldn't be so hostile all the time. I know it's just your way of keeping people from hurting you, but it also keeps anyone from reaching you.

CAMERON: Maybe I don't want anyone reaching me. (Looks disgusted)

HOUSE: But we all need to be loved.

CAMERON: I don't.

HOUSE: You do, you just don't want to admit it. (He looks down, fumbling with something on his desk, then looks up again, love in his eyes) I love you. (Looks back down, quickly)

CAMERON: (Shocked.) What's going on here? This isn't right.

HOUSE: Don't say our love isn't right.

CAMERON: (Cutting him off) I'm not saying our love isn't right, but it isn't. I am saying that something seriously strange is going on.

HOUSE: (almost like he's snapping out of a trance) I know what you mean. I'm saying the strangest things. I, I didn't mean any of that.

CAMERON: Of course you didn't. I did.

HOUSE: Huh.

CAMERON: Can't you see? It's like we've switched sides. I've become some swooning schoolgirl, and you've become, well, perfect.

HOUSE: Shouldn't that be the other way around?

CAMERON: I'm not sure.

(There is a knock at the door. It's Wilson.)

WILSON: Did I interrupt something?

HOUSE: Uh, no. Alison and I were just finishing up.

(Cameron rushes out the door)

WILSON: Alison, huh? That's new.

HOUSE: What do you mean?

WILSON: You never call her Alison. Did something happen? Let's go get some lunch. You can tell me all the sordid details.

Scene fades.

VOICEOVER: And what sordid details they are. Will House and Cameron ever figure out who they are? This is one serious case of identity crisis.


	5. Spies Like Us

ACT FIVE: Spies Like Us

SCENE ONE:

Hallway outside of the Clinic. Cuddy is rushing out as she sees Dr. Cameron walk past.

CUDDY: Dr. Cameron. (She catches her up, and stops to catch her breath) I need you to do me a favor.

CAMERON: If it involves you, me and some soft music, count me in.

CUDDY: (horrified) What?

CAMERON: My bad. You don't swing that way.

CUDDY: Hou…(She started to yell at House, but realizing it's not him she calmed down) Dr. Cameron, I just wondered if you could sub for Dr. House in the clinic.

CAMERON: No way.

CUDDY: I thought you liked working in the clinic.

CAMERON: You must have me mistaken with some other tight bodied little nymph.

CUDDY: Are you feeling alright Dr. Cameron (She is clearly flummoxed.)

CAMERON: Fit as a fiddle. (Turns and looks at her bottom) Will you just look at this ass. (Gives it a little squeeze.

CUDDY: Um, I think I'll go ask Dr. Chase if he's free. (She practically runs away from Cameron.)

Close up of Cameron smiling slyly.

SCENE TWO:

Restaurant. House and Wilson are alone at a table, food laid out in front of them. They each have a pint of beer next to their plate.

HOUSE: This is a nice place.

WILSON: Yeah (looks around) We eat here all the time.

HOUSE: (covering) Oh, I know, I'm just saying. It's nice.

WILSON: You're just trying to make me forget about the whole Alison thing. It's not gonna work.

HOUSE: What Alison thing? There's no Alison thing.

WILSON: Sure there's not. Just like there was no Alison thing when you told me to keep my hand off her.

HOUSE: (Spits out a sip of beer) What? When did he…I…. when did I ask you to keep your hands off her?

WILSON: Oh, come on House, don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you. You want her for yourself. That's fine. There are other fish in the sea, but don't pretend you don't have feelings for her.

HOUSE: (big smile as he looks off in the distance dreamily) I do have feelings for me…her. (shakes head to stop from making pronoun errors) I…that's crazy.

(camera says on House's face. He has a giddy grin on his face.)

SCENE THREE:

Hospital cafeteria. Cameron sits at the table with Foreman and Chase. They are already having a conversation.

CHASE: He's been like that all day.

FOREMAN: Maybe he's having a midlife crisis.

CAMERON: Who's having a midlife crisis.

BOTH MEN: House.

CAMERON: (rather emphatically) He is not having a midlife crisis.

FOREMAN: Face it Cameron, the man isn't normal. Did you hear him today? He said thank you, to Chase. He can't stand Chase.

CHASE: (looking up from his food) Hey.

FOREMAN: Sorry man, but it's true.

CHASE: Yeah, I know. (He sounds like a hurt child. He goes back to eating)

CAMERON: Well, he's got good reason for hating Chase, hasn't he? Chase sold him out. Chase is a traitor. Chase…

CHASE: (stopping eating again) I get it. Yes, I ratted on House. I was a snitch. I was worried. He has no reason to keep me here. Foreman's the smart one, and you're the pretty one. What's he need me for?

FOREMAN: Not this again. (rolls his eyes. CHASE goes back to eating in silence)

CAMERON: Maybe he wouldn't be so hard on you if you didn't act like his own personal door mat. Get a backbone. Stand up for yourself.

CHASE: Easy for you to say. He adores you.

CAMERON: That's ridiculous.

FOREMAN: Whoa, what's gotten into you Cam. Calm down.

CAMERON: I just don't like the idea of everybody thinking he likes me best because I'm a girl. It's ridiculous.

FOREMAN: Got it.

CHASE: (Grumpily) Just once I want him to be wrong. Just once.

CAMERON: The day that happens is the day we loose a patient. Is that what you want?

CHASE: NO. I want someone else to be the hero for a change.

FOREMAN: You mean YOU want to be the hero.

CHASE: That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

FOREMAN: Yes, if the only reason you want to be right is to be the hero.

(Cameron is watching them, back and forth, like a tennis match.)

CHASE: I just want him to be knocked down a peg. He won't ever admit he could be wrong.

FOREMAN: It drives me crazy too, but you have to admit, he's usually right.

CHASE: Eventually.

FOREMAN: He takes risks. That's what saves lives. (Cameron gave a little hurrah to Foreman, almost imperceptible to him. He looked at her strangely)

CHASE: If you like him so much, why don't you marry him? (childishly)

FOREMAN: If you hate him so much, why don't you leave?

CHASE: I can't. (as a second thought) and I don't hate him.

FOREMAN: You just don't like him.

CHASE: yeah. (he went back to eating.)

(Closing shot of Cameron, a big smile on her face.)


	6. Making Lemons out of Lemonade

ACT 6: Making Lemons out of Lemonade

SCENE ONE:

Lab. House is looking at some x-rays. Cameron comes up behind him and he tenses.

CAMERON: This is sooo cool.

HOUSE: What is? (turns around to look at him)

CAMERON: This whole mind switch thing. It's sooo cool.

HOUSE: You think this is cool? I think it's a nightmare.

CAMERON: Just now, at lunch with the boys, I got so much dirt. They had no idea who they were really talking to. It was great. I can't wait to use it on Cuddy. There have been some things I wanted to find out from her, but I know she'd never tell House. (he snickers)

HOUSE: You can't do that? (what she said dawned in) What did they say? What were you talking about?

CAMERON: Oh, wouldn't you like to know.

HOUSE: House!

CAMERON: That's Cameron to you, or should I say, Alison. (bats her eyes)

HOUSE: Stop that. You can't use this to your advantage.

CAMERON: Why not?

HOUSE: It's wrong.

CAMERON: Says you. Hey, Chase wants you to be wrong about something. I think I'll go with this.

HOUSE: We have to fix it.

CAMERON: How?

(House opens and closes his mouth. He has nothing to say.)

CAMERON: Right, now that that's settled. There are a few ground rules. One, we can't tell anyone about this. Two, don't look at me naked. Three, don't sleep with anyone, unless she has a great rack. (she smiles sheepishly)

HOUSE: I can't stay like this?

CAMERON: Well, you have no choice, until I can figure out what to do about it.

HOUSE: You mean until WE figure out what to do about it.

CAMERON: Yeah, of course that's what I meant. (Sarcastic)

SCENE TWO:

Hallway. Dr Wilson is walking. Chase and Foreman run up behind him.

FOREMAN: Dr. Wilson. Can we talk to you?

WILSON: (Slows down so they can catch up) What's up?

CHASE: House is acting strange.

WILSON: You noticed it too?

FOREMAN: Yeah, and something's up with Cameron too.

WILSON: Really?

CHASE: What do you think is going on?

WILSON: I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

(FADE OUT)

VOICE OVER: Can Dr. Wilson discover the truth behind his friends odd behaviour, or will Dr. House take to his new, feminine side? What about Dr. Cameron. Her wish might just come true tonight. She will finally get to sleep with Dr. House. Too bad her body couldn't join her.


	7. The Truth is Out There

ACT 7: The Truth is Out There

SCENE ONE:

Cuddy's office. She is going through some papers. Cameron knocks on the door.

CUDDY: (not looking up) Come in

CAMERON: Dr. Cuddy. I need to speak with you about something.

CUDDY: (looking up and looking worried) What's wrong Dr. Cameron.

CAMERON: It's about House.

CUDDY: Naturally. (pushes paperwork to the side and settles in for a long talk)

CAMERON: Do you like him?

CUDDY: He's a good doctor, why?

CAMERON: That's not what I meant. Do you like him like him? (fights off a cringe)

CUDDY: I don't really think that's any of your business.

CAMERON: Well, I overheard something and… (waits for Cuddy to take the bait)

CUDDY: What did you hear?

CAMERON: I am really not comfortable saying anything until I get an answer.

CUDDY: (thinks long and hard) OK, yes, I do have feelings for Dr. House.

CAMERON: (pleased grin) I knew it.

CUDDY: Well?

CAMERON: Oh, right, he said you promised to take away clinic duty if he slept with you. (runs out of the room)

SCENE 2:

House's office. House is moving things around and dusting furniture. The computer is on and Kelly Clarkson is coming from the speakers. Wilson walks in quietly, watches the scene for a moment.

WILSON: Nesting?

HOUSE: (spins around, almost knocks something over with his cane.) Just tidying up a bit.

WILSON: Isn't that what the cleaning staff is for?

HOUSE: (runs a finger across an undusted shelf and shows it to Wilson) We obviously can't count on them now can we?

WILSON: Right. (backs out of the door)

(House hums lightly as he moves things from shelf to shelf, dusting as he goes. Then he straightens up a pile of magazines on his desk. He seems very content in his work.)

CUDDY: (swinging open the door) House! What have you been telling Cameron?

HOUSE: What do you mean?

CUDDY: She seems to think I made some deal with you? (House says nothing) Regarding clinic duty? (Still nothing) And my sleeping with you?

HOUSE: (Nearly falls over.) What? She would never say something like that.

CUDDY: She was just repeating what you said, apparently. (Agitated)

HOUSE: No! (Sounds trapped) He… I would never say something like that.

CUDDY: (Incredulous) yes you would.

HOUSE: (stumbling over his words) Right, yeah, I would. I was just, joking.

CUDDY: I have had it with your jokes, House. Just for one day can you be an actual, functioning human being.

HOUSE: Yes. I am sorry, Dr. Cuddy. I promise to behave.

CUDDY: (uncertain) Thank you. (She walks out.)

SCENE THREE:

Wilson's office. Dr. House walks in. Wilson looks up from his desk, puts aside the paperwork he was reading.

WILSON: What's up?

HOUSE: Cuddy's made at me.

WILSON: What else is new?

HOUSE: I don't know why.

WILSON: Oh, that is new.

HOUSE: She says I told Dr. Cameron something, and Dr. Cameron told her, and now she's made.

WILSON: (mocking) Maybe you can meet her behind the gym after school and beat her up.

HOUSE: That's not funny. I'm worried.

WILSON: About Cuddy?

HOUSE: There is something going on that you don't know about.

WILSON: Between you and Cuddy? I know all about that. You told me.

HOUSE: I told you what's going on between me and Cuddy? What did I tell you?

WILSON: If you want the details, why don't you consult the video tape.

HOUSE: (visibly pale) There's a tape?

WILSON: House, I don't know what you are on today, but I gotta get me some.

HOUSE: It's, it's this head cold. It's affecting my brain. I really need to go home and rest.

WILSON: Yeah, like Cuddy would buy that excuse. Seriously House, what's going on?

HOUSE: Its…it's between me and Dr. Cameron. I can't say anything.

WILSON: (obviously intrigued) Ah, the ingénue pops up once more. What has she done now? Seriously House, I'd be thrilled if a pretty young woman was chasing me around the hospital.

HOUSE: I'm…She's; she's not chasing me around the hospital. She likes me. That's all. And I like her.

WILSON: You do? (nods his head) I knew it.

HOUSE: (cheering up) You knew it? Really?

WILSON: Sure, either that or you respect her as a doctor, and lets face it House, you don't respect anyone.

HOUSE: (deflating a bit) Oh.

WILSON: If you like her, go for it. She's a sure thing. She really likes you. She's just waiting for you to make a move.

SCENE FADES


	8. Something Wicked this way comes

ACT 8: Something Wicked this Way Comes

SCENE One:

House is in his office. There are now some potted plants placed neatly around the office, and softer lighting. House is chomping on a chocolate bar. Dr. Wilson comes in.

WILSON: House, (sees House) oh, you already have a snack. I was going to ask if you wanted to get something to eat.

HOUSE: Are you saying I eat too much (looks kinda hurt)

WILSON: Huh? No. I just know that we usually get a snack around now. Talk, eat, avoid Cuddy.

HOUSE: That's not really nice. Dr. Cuddy is just trying to do her job. Why are we so mean to her?

WILSON: It's not my idea. House, what's gotten into you? You have been acting weird all day?

HOUSE: (snaps back) What's that supposed to mean?

WILSON: (kinda frightened) Um. Nothing, House. Why don't I just leave you to whatever it was you were doing.

HOUSE: Fine, leave! Everyone always leaves (starts to sob)

WILSON: (looks horrified and confused) Do you want to talk about it?

HOUSE: (between sobs) No. (sob) Yes (Sob) No. (wipes nose on sleeve) I just need some time alone.

Wilson practically runs out the door. House puts his head on the desk, crying openly.

SCENE TWO:

Dr. Cameron is talking to a nurse at the nurses station. She's leaning on the desk, looks like she's chatting the nurse up. House walks up. His eyes are still red and he is keeping his head down to avoid anyone noticing.

HOUSE: Dr. Cameron, we have to talk.

CAMERON: Can't it wait. I was just about to get this lovely nurses number. (the nurse looks at House pleading, like get this chick away from me.)

HOUSE: Please, it's kind of important.

CAMERON: Oh, all right. (sounds huffy.)

HOUSE: (leads Cameron into an empty room and closes the door) I think we have a little problem.

CAMERON: Yeah, lets overlook the big problem of no longer being in our own bodies and focus on a nice little problem.

HOUSE: This has to do with the big problem.

CAMERON: And what might it be?

HOUSE: Well, I forgot to tell you something.

CAMERON: (looks at him expectantly)

HOUSE: It's, well, it's…(takes deep breath then blurts out) My aunt Flow is coming to visit.

CAMERON: (looks dumbfounded) WHAT?

HOUSE: You know. (looks at her like he's trying to sent the info using his mind.) It's that time.

CAMERON: Are you talking about your menstruation?

HOUSE: (relieved that she finally got it) Yes.

CAMERON: You are a doctor and you still use the Aunt Flow line?

HOUSE: I don't usually talk about these things with a man.

CAMERON: I thought you were the man now.

HOUSE: You know what I mean.

CAMERON: Well, congratulations, I guess you're not pregnant.

HOUSE: I think you mean YOUR not pregnant. See, I may be getting the emotional and mental symptoms, but you have my body, so you will be getting the physical symptoms.

CAMERON: (looks horrified) I'm getting my period!

HOUSE: Yeah, and there are some things you should know.

CAMERON: Oh, this aught to be interesting.

HOUSE: First, you are going to bloat until it looks like you swallowed a whole watermelon. In my closet are a collection of loose fitting dresses that are ideal for this time of the month. Also, don't overeat. You might start to crave McDonalds fries and lots of potato chips and things, but don't eat them. It will only make things worse. My, uh, feminine supplies are in the top drawer of my desk, way in the back, in the little Winnie the Pooh purse. The directions are on the box.

CAMERON: (makes face like Ewe)

HOUSE: Try to lay on your stomach at night. It feels better, and helps prevent leakage.

CAMERON: (makes bigger ewe face)

HOUSE: I have a heat pad in the medicine cabinet. Put it on your stomach and it will help with the pain.

CAMERON: Pain? I have something for pain. (reaches in pocket, but realizes she isn't in her right clothes. Holds out hand) Give me my Vicodin.

HOUSE: (reaches in pocket and pulls out piles.) I don't think that's such a good idea. What if I need them for the leg?

CAMERON: You are House. You can get another prescription filled. Just ask Wilson. It's gonna look pretty funny if I go ask him for some, don't you think?

HOUSE: I don't know if they will work on you, or me, or whatever.

CAMERON: I don't care, (grabs them from his hand) I need them.


	9. Nature Calls

ACT 9: Nature Calls

SCENE 1:

Mens room. House is standing in front of the urinal. Staring at it. He looks around to make sure no one else is there, then slowly unzips his fly. He giggles slightly. He tilts his head up and closes his eyes, then fumbles in his pants and does his business. He zips up and heads to the sink. His face is red.

HOUSE: (mumbles to himself) House is never going to hear about this.

SCENE 2:

Ladies room. Cameron walks in. Cuddy is there. Cameron turns to walk out. She stops when Cuddy speaks.

CUDDY: It doesn't smell that bad in here.

CAMERON: I forgot, I have to do something.

CUDDY: I would have thought that's what you came in here for.

CAMERON: Oh, right. (Goes into a stall.)

(Camera focuses on Cuddy. She's drying her hands now.)

CAMERON: (off camera) WHOA! Gross.

CUDDY: (looks puzzled) Is everything OK in there.

CAMERON: Uh, yeah. Uh, Could you, do you, I need a tampon.

CUDDY: (looks like she will laugh, but she doesn't. She takes a coin out of her pocket and goes to the vending machine. She takes a tampon and passes it under the bottom of Cameron's stall.) Here.

CAMERON: Thanks. How the hell do you deal with this every month?

CUDDY: The same way you do, I would guess.

CAMERON: Oh, yeah, right. Do you mind?

(Cuddy takes the hint and leaves the bathroom)


	10. Darkness Falls

ACT 10: Darkness Falls

SCENE 1:

Parking garage. House and Cameron are standing by House's car. They exchange keys.

CAMERON: Promise me you aren't going to go through all my personal stuff.

HOUSE: Promise (but he looks sheepishly at her)

CAMERON: I will try to think of something to get us out of this mess.

HOUSE: I thought you said it was fun.

CAMERON: Well, the cramps got me over that really fast. (grabs stomach doubles over in pain) I don't know how you do it.

HOUSE: What did you eat? I told you not to eat anything bad.

CAMERON: I was hungry. I didn't think one little Hershey Kiss could hurt.

HOUSE: Well, now you know better.

CAMERON: How long is it going to last?

HOUSE: The pain? Just a couple of days. Oh, don't rush with switching us back. It can wait until after my period.

FADE OUT

SCENE 2:

House's apartment. The door opens and House walks in, looking around. Mood music plays in background as House wonders around, looking at pictures and reading book titles, and papers that are laying around. He runs a hand over the keys of the piano and smiles.

SCENE 3:

Cameron's apartment. The door opens and Cameron walks in nervously. She pops a Vicodin and looks around. She shakes her head as she sees a teddy bear on the couch. She goes to the kitchen, looks in the freezer, then in the fridge. She pulls out a wine cooler, again shakes her head disappointedly and takes a big swig from the bottle. Then she plops down on the couch, puts her feet up on the coffee table and picks up the remote. Clicks through channels as we fade out.

SCENE 4:

House's house. House goes into kitchen. Opens up cabinets. Shot of nearly empty cabinets. He opens the fridge. Shot of fridge, some condiments, beer and several take out containers. He closes fridge and picks up the phone to order takeout. Shaking his head.

SCENE 5:

Cameron's house. Cam clicks off tv. Looks at watch. It's late. Walks to several doors searching for bedroom. Find it and goes inside. Camera follows her into a pastel, rosey bedroom. Cameron cringes. Looks at the bed. Looks around the room then leaves. Camera follows her back into living room. She lays down on the couch and goes to sleep.

SCENE 6:

House's house. House walks into the bedroom and opens up a drawer. He picks up one of the shirts and holds it up to her nose, taking in a deep whiff. He smiles and puts the shirt back. Opens another drawer and pulls out some pajama bottoms. A big smile is on his face. He hesitates to remove the shirt he's wearing, does it anyway. Then takes off his pants. He looks down at himself smiling like a schoolgirl.

HOUSE: Oh, I wish I had a camera. (blushes) Stop that Alison. You can't take advantage of this situation. That would be wrong. (he puts the pajamas on over his boxers and heads to the bed) I wonder what House is doing at my place.

(Camera zooms in as a sudden look of fright crosses House's face. Then fades to place.)


	11. Here Comes the Sun

ACT 11: Here Comes the Sun

SCENE 1:

It's morning. Cameron is curled up on the couch. She wakes up slowly, stretches and falls off the couch.

CAMERON: Ouch! (She rubs her bottom, which landed on the floor.) What's this? (she looks at her bottom) That's not mine. (gives it a squeeze) I wish it was though. Nice. (Smiles.)

(A look of horror comes across her face as she realizes what happened the day before.)

SCENE 2:

House is standing in the bathroom, looking at the shower.

HOUSE: Forgive me House, but I'm not going to let you go to work dirty. (He takes a deep breath, and begins taking off his clothes. First the PJ bottoms, but stops at the boxers. He shakes his head.) I can't do this. (Then proceeds to get into the shower in the boxer shorts. Turns on the water. The boxers are wet and heavy stretching down to his knees) This isn't working. (He closes his eyes and pulls down the boxers. He begins showering, eyes still closed, fumbling along the wall trying to find soap and shampoo. The soap falls to the shower floor.) Damn. (He bends over to pick up the soap, eyes still shut, and bangs his head on against the wall. Instinctively he opens his eyes. He is bent in such a way that the first thing he sees are the family jewels. His eyes open wide, and he quickly rights himself.) Wow! (Shakes head) I will never be able to look House in the eye again. (Goes back to showering, very thoroughly, with a big smile on his face.)

SCENE 3:

Cameron makes her way to the bathroom. She looks at the shower, then down at her body. Then at the shower again. A smile fills her face. She removes the clothes she slept in last night, and throws them in a pile. Now she is in a camisole and undies. She looks down at her body again, but looks up quickly.

CAMERON: I can't do this. (She goes to the sink, takes a face cloth, fills it with soap and washes her limbs. She lifts the camisole just a little and washes her stomach and back. She towels off and heads to the closet to get dressed.)


	12. Changing Partners

ACT 12: Changing Partners

SCENE ONE:

House's office. House walks through the door. His hair is nicely combed, and his face is smooth. He is wearing a button up shirt, buttoned up, and a crisply ironed pair of pants. He is whistling to himself. He sits down at his desk and looks through some papers.

Cameron enters. She is wearing a mini skirt and a rather revealing top. Her hair is a mess, obviously unwashed and uncombed. It's pulled back sloppily in a ponytail.

CAMERON: How do you deal with all this hair?

HOUSE: (looks up and looks horrified) What are you wearing?

CAMERON: I found it in your closet. (tries looking innocent) Why don't you wear stuff like this more often.

HOUSE: Because it is not appropriate for the workplace.

CAMERON: (finally getting a good look at House) What have you done to me?

HOUSE: I thought it might make a nice change.

CAMERON: (pauses, thinking, realization dawns on her face) Did you take a shower?

HOUSE: Yes. (looks slightly nervous) Didn't you?

CAMERON: No!

HOUSE: What? You mean I came to work without taking a shower. That's disgusting.

CAMERON: No more disgusting than you washing my naked body!

HOUSE: (Blushes and runs out of the room)

SCENE 2:

General hospital shot. House is reading a chart. He looks down at his pager, picks it up and reads it. Then he rushes off.

SCENE 3:

House walks through a door. He is now in a supply closet. Dr. Cuddy is standing with her back to him, looking at the supplies on the shelves.

HOUSE: (confused) Uh, you wanted to see me Dr. Cuddy.

CUDDY: (Turns around, then looks at House surprised) What did you do to yourself?

HOUSE: Uh, what do you mean?

CUDDY: (walking toward him.) You're all cleaned up. What, do you have an interview today? (she laughs, and runs a hand down his chest.

HOUSE: (backing away) No. I thought it would be a nice change.

CUDDY: (coming closer and putting her hand back on his chest) It's interesting. (She looks him up and down) But I like you better the other way. (She leans in like she's going to kiss him.)

HOUSE: (pulls back quickly.) I'll run home and change then. (Tries to make a break for it)

CUDDY: (grabs his shirt and pulls him to her) Oh no you don't. (she tries to kiss him again.)

HOUSE: (Look of panic on his face. He pushes her back a little too hard. She's still holding onto him, and the both fall to the floor. Stuff crashes down all around them, and the room seems to shake a little.) What's wrong with you? (Looks confused. Looks at himself and screams.)

CUDDY: (looks at House, looks at herself.) Not again.

HOUSE: What the hell is going on?

CUDDY: Looks like you get to play House now.

HOUSE: What?

CUDDY: Guess there's no point in keeping it a secret now. (Gets up, dusts herself off and reaches to pull House up.) Yesterday House and I changed bodies. Now, it seems, I have changed with you.

HOUSE: (very confused) Who the hell are you then?

CUDDY: I used to be Cameron. Now I'm not so sure.

HOUSE: Now you're me.

CUDDY: Right.

HOUSE: This is a horrible dream right?

CUDDY: Fraid not.

VOICEOVER: Well, isn't this a fine mess. Poor Dr. Cameron seems to be having one hell of an identity crisis. For those of you who are lost, and aren't we all, Dr. House is now in the body of Dr. Cameron. Dr Cameron is now in the body of Dr. Cuddy, and Dr. Cuddy, the newcomer to this mess, is now in the body of Dr. House. It's not exactly what she had in mind when she invited him into the supply closet.


	13. Playing House

ACT 13: Playing House

VOICEOVER: For those of you keeping score, Cuddy is House and knows everything. Cameron is Cuddy and knows everything. House is Cameron and doesn't know about Cuddy and Cams switch. Boy is he in for one hell of a surprise.

Cameron's office. Dr. Cameron is going through the mail. Cuddy walks in.

CUDDY (CAMERON): We really need to talk.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Could it wait. General Hospital will be on in a few minutes, and I want to see if Nicolas comes out of his coma, again. That boy is a medical miracle.

CUDDY (CAMERON): It's me…(she's cut off)

CAMERON (HOUSE): No, really? (feigns shock) . I never would have figured that out. You should wear a sign. Oh, wait, you're wearing a name tag, that should have been a dead giveaway.

CUDDY(CAMERON): Are you always like this?

CAMERON (HOUSE): It's that time of the month (Smiles sheepishly)

CUDDY (CAMERON): Well, that would be more convincing if I didn't know who you really are.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (looks at Cuddy carefully) Cameron? What the hell happened?

CUDDY (CAMERON): Why is everyone asking me that? I don't know. Dr. Cuddy and I switched places.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Wait (thinking) So Cuddy is running around in my body? (looks terrified) Oh, this can't be good.

CUDDY (CAMERON): What afraid she is going to make you follow the rules.

CAMERON (HOUSE): She's going to make me do clinic duty. I just know it!

SCENE 2:

Dr House is in the clinic. He is giving a child a lollipop. He straightens up when Dr. Wilson walks over.

WILSON: What are you doing in here?

HOUSE (CUDDY): I had clinic duty today.

WILSON: Couldn't you get out of it.

HOUSE (CUDDY): No. Cuddy caught me.

WILSON: I thought you were going to make yourself throw up in her office.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Like that would work. (takes a mental note)

WILSON: Well, let's slip out and go to the movies. That new Angelina Jolie movie is out.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (irate) Is that what you guys do behind my back?

WILSON: What?

HOUSE (CUDDY): (trying to act nonchalant.) I can just hear Cuddy in my head now. She's really on my back today. Maybe I'd better pass.

WILSON: Are you sure? She seems pretty busy. I think we could get away with it.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (gives it great thought.) You know what? I think you're right. Lets do it.

(House drops his files at the nurses station and they walk out)

SCENE 3:

House and Wilson are walking out of the movie theater.

WILSON: That is one damn fine woman.

HOUSE (CUDDY): You think so?

WILSON: Oh, come on House. She is H-O-T HOT!

HOUSE (CUDDY): She's very pretty, and a good actress.

WILSON: Pretty? When did you turn into such a girl? I remember you saying something about playing a little hide the salami with her.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (laughs.) Typical. (They both get into Wilson's car) So, what do you think Cuddy will do to us if she finds out we took off to see a movie?

WILSON: Give us a lecture? I don't know. Just bat your eyes at her and we'll get off scott free.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Oh really?

WILSON: Come on, you've got her wrapped around your little finger. (notices House looks annoyed) What's wrong?

HOUSE (CUDDY): Nothing. (fumes in silence as camera pulls away)


	14. The Upper Hand

ACT 14: The Upper Hand

SCENE ONE:

House's office. House is sitting at his desk, going through the drawers and looking at files. His hair is tossled again, and his shirt is slightly unbuttoned. He looks a little more like his scruffy self. Dr. Cameron walks in.

CAMERON (HOUSE): You were supposed to meet me for lunch.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (looking up) Oh, sorry. It's been a busy day. I forgot.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (closes the blinds, and walks over to the desk. Sits on the edge of the desk, mini skirt hiked up.) You forgot? Or are you just playing hard to get?

HOUSE (CUDDY): Well, this is interesting. (looks Cameron up and down)

CAMERON (HOUSE): (looks disappointed) She told you, didn't she?

HOUSE (CUDDY): Yup. But I'll play along if you want. You do have me wrapped around your little finger?

CAMERON (HOUSE): (flummoxed) What? Who said that? That's not true. I don't think that.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Right. So, what are we going to do about this?

CAMERON (HOUSE): Oh, I can't sit here and talk to myself.

HOUSE (CUDDY): I don't know. I could get used to it. (closes his eyes and starts caressing his chest)

CAMERON (HOUSE): Stop that! You're freaking me out.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (throws head back and laughs) Oh, the possibilities.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (jumps in House's lap and grabs his hand) I told you to stop that.

FOREMAN walks in and stops dead in his tracks.

FOREMAN: Am I interrupting something.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (surprised. Pushes Cameron off his lap) You didn't lock the door?

CAMERON (HOUSE): (indignant) I didn't think you would start sexually harassing me. (stands up and brushes out mini skirt)

HOUSE (CUDDY): It's just so hard not to. Sometimes a guy just wants to play hide the salami, know what I mean? (Suppresses a grin)

FOREMAN backs out of the office.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Awe, you scared him away. And I was so hoping for a threesome.

HOUSE (CUDDY): This is so wrong. (shakes head in wonderment)


	15. A Meeting of the Minds

ACT 15: Meeting of the Minds

House's office. The blinds are drawn and House, Cameron and Cuddy are sitting around the desk. They each have a glass in front of them. A bottle of scotch is in the middle of the desk.

CAMERON (HOUSE): So, how about that threesome.

HOUSE (CUDDY): In your dreams, little girl (she laughs when she says girl)

CUDDY (CAMERON): I'm not a little girl.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (looking her up and down.) No, you're not.

CUDDY (CAMERON): Would you stop that, and put on a sweater. I look like a slut.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (looks at down) But I feel so pretty.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (Cracks up) Come on. We have to concentrate. We've got a problem here.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Really? Good thing you're here. I wouldn't have been able to figure that out on my own.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Stuff it.

CUDDY (CAMERON): Come one. Cuddy…Cameron….I'm….She's right, whoever she is. We have to fix this.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Have you any suggestions?

CUDDY (CAMERON): I was hoping you'd figured it out.

CAMERON (HOUSE): I was too busy playing with all my new parts (she grabs one of her boobs)

CUDDY (CAMERON): (shocked) House! Stop it!

CAMERON (HOUSE): But you saw my wanker. What's fair is fair.

HOUSE (CUDDY): (laughs and rolls her eyes): Hmmm. Maybe we should wait on this whole switching back thing.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Why, you've already seen it.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Yeah, but not from this angle. It could look bigger from up here.

CUDDY (CAMERON): (embarrassed) Stop. We need to concentrate.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Yeah. (hits House in arm) pay attention.

HOUSE (CUDDY): When you say something worth listening to, I will pay attention. So, how did we get this way in the first place.

CAMERON (HOUSE): (thinks) There was a collision. I think that's when it started.

CUDDY (CAMERON): (realization dawning) That's right. And that's how we switched too (she points finger between her and Cuddy)

HOUSE (CUDDY): So, if we collide again, maybe we'll switch back?

CAMERON (HOUSE): So, I get my threesome after all.

(Cuddy and House hit her, each on a different arm)

CAMERON (HOUSE): (gets up) Lets each get in a corner of the room and run into each other.

HOUSE (CUDDY): Should we really do it all together, or should we go in pairs? We don't want to get even more mixed up.

CUDDY (CAMERON): The only other possibility is House in your body and you in mine.

CAMERON (HOUSE): Ooh, that could be fun!

HOUSE (CUDDY): Don't even think about it.

CUDDY (CAMERON): (frustrated) Really, do I have to separate you two? Can we focus.

They each go to a corner of the room. Cameron counts to three and they all run for the middle of the room, giving House a head start because of his limp. There is a great crash, and they all fall into a heap in the middle of the office.

HOUSE: That was fun. (holds head. Looks at his body and begins patting himself down.) I'm me! Hoorah! (shakes off a strange feeling of déjà vu)

CAMERON: Oh, thank God. (she looks at herself, feeling her arms and head)

HOUSE: I thought you didn't believe in God.

CAMERON: I don't. But I never believed that I could switch bodies with anyone either.

CUDDY: (Getting up and brushing herself off): I'm glad that's over. (she extends a hand to House and pulls him up.) Though it was very interesting.

HOUSE: I'm gonna kill Wilson. What did he say?

CUDDY: Nothing much.

CAMERON: (looking down, avoiding House's gaze) I'm sorry (meekly)

HOUSE: Sorry for what?

CAMERON: For taking a shower. I, uh, I looked.

CUDDY covers a laugh with her hand

HOUSE: You looked? Well, of all the low down, dirty tricks. I bet this was all your doing. I bet you wished on a star that you could be with me for a day, and poof, you got your wish.

CAMERON: (nearly crying) I said I was sorry.

HOUSE: (smiles) I'm kidding. Really, Cam, you need to learn to lighten up.

CAMERON: Yeah, well, you need to learn to cook. (she storms off)

CUDDY: That went well. (she leaves too.)

CAMERA zooms in on House's face. He has a huge smile. He looks very pleased with himself. The camera pans back to show House toss his cane from hand to hand, and walk over to his desk. He looks at the neatly piled papers, and with one hand, swishes them all over, several falling to the floor.


End file.
